I just told someone that sometimes we don't know who we are until we talk to ourselves. You base your composite sketches of people on a few things. What they say, what they have done, how they carry themselves, how they express, outsider information, personal vibes. To beat another cliche to death, the whole is (greater than) the sum of its parts.

Today I am caught in my own self-dissection. I cannot figure out who I am right now, this Sunday. I don't know my mood, what is on my mind, what I should be doing. I have been upbeat and cheerful in public, my friends oblivious to my personal self-loathing. I don't know why I'm angry or disappointed or whatever I'm feeling toward myself, but I have a few ideas.

-I've lived the past 3 days as though my only purpose is to survive until Monday.
-I'm not praying/wishing for anything lately but my own selfish desires: girls, physical attractiveness, money, and girls.
-I had to borrow money from my parents. Again.
-I recently saw this girl and, without knowing a thing about her, remarked "She's no prize."
-I spend too much time sitting at my computer, looking at the same websites over and over.
-I tell people petty lies to impress them or avoid ridicule.
-I've done little this summer to prepare myself for post-graduation.
-I don't see myself doing anything to change the above from continuing.
-It's raining.

I feel better now than I did yesterday, and I have a few ideas as to why.

-I just simultaneously talked to myself and listened.
-I know I am in a rut, not a freefall.
-I have next week better planned and have included people I love.
-I'm gonna hit the tennis courts tonight. Cancelled. Damn rain.
-I called up a longtime buddy.
-I watched Life is Beautiful today.

Life is Beautiful will probably always be my favorite movie. Most obviously, it is an incredibly well-constructed film with a historic setting and one of the most likeable characters ever to grace the screen. No other movie makes me feel so delightedly happy and so painfully sad at the same time. But most importantly, you set aside what everyone else can see, and it has far deeper personal meaning. The Italian scenery brings me back to my roots and makes me feel like I should be with all my family dancing and eating and cheering. I have a tradition with my dear friend Crystal where we catch up, eat dinner, and watch this movie. My first love and I got together when we bundled up on the couch at my home and watched Life is Beautiful.

Deep down I really know that, despite the less-than-ideal circumstances I perceive myself to be in, life is beautiful. That's not enough to cheer me up.

But it's a start.