Easter Sunday Recap

6:14 am: I wake up to the tune from The Godfather, my cell phone ring. This interrupts a dream I'm having where I'm dry humping this girl I knew from high school. I hope I'm hallucinating. If I'm not, someone better be dying.

6:15 am: The floor beneath me goes 6.0 on the Richter scale. I know my 260 pound uncle is charging toward my room. Someone better be dying.

6:16 am: On the phone is my best friend from home, Hubbard. And he's in the hospital.

6:23 am: Hubbard is in the ER for the second time this weekend. They think it's his intestines. He's in a room with his ex-fiancee. Guess the Easter Bunny shit in his basket. Special chocolate.

10:35 am: I decide to get out of bed, crack my bones, and say morning to my Aunt, Uncle, and cousin Maria. I expect my uncle has already devoured the bacon. Turns out they waited for me. That's love.

11:29 am: I'm wondering how much it cost to produce that pointless samurai skit on The Surreal Life 4. I'm also wondering if the cast got free dvd copies, if Chyna is doing coke off her copy right now, and if Mini Me can fit his Mini Me into the little hole in the disc.

11:46 am: I'm shocked at how much Flava Flav's mom looks like Foofy Foofy in drag. Maria decides that this makes her the ugliest woman in America.

12:05 pm: The hospital tells Hubbard that they think his appendix manuevered itself to the other side of his intestines, which is apparently serious enough to require emergency surgery. That's what he gets for not going to Easter mass.

12:19 pm: That's the Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ra-anch! Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ra-anch!

1:17 pm: We arrive at my aunt's mother's house for Easter dinner. I'm not blood related to this side of the family, and I've never met most of them before, but I know this: when an 88-year-old Italian woman makes you dinner from her kitchen, you know it's gonna be nothing short of damn mouth-watering good and will require flexible pants.

1:18 pm: I pour my first glass of wine.

1:25 pm: Most of the family hasn't arrived yet, so we play this 12 minute audio cd of this guy talking about the good old days of growing up Italian.

1:26 pm: I'm trying to give my uncle the benefit of the doubt, that his eyes are watering because of the oven smoke, but we all know what's really going on: The voice on the cd has barely reminisced about the days of waking to a fresh loaf of bread on the front porch, and my uncle is already crying.

1:31 pm: I pour my second glass of wine. Maria is on the same page.

1:46 pm: The final bunch of family has arrived. Maria's cousins are in their twenties. For someone who's grown up with their cousins either 10 years younger or 15 years older, this is a relief.

1:47 pm: My aunt's sister Ro comes to me with a supersized bottle of Shiraz, the biggest I've ever seen. I don't know where she got it, but she was JFK Jr.'s personal assistant until, you know. It's all about connections.

2:00 pm: The first batch of eggplant parmagiana is on the table. The cousins do not wait for the rest of the food to arrive. I pour my third glass of wine.

2:01 pm: My mouth hits my fork. I could die a happy man.

2:49 pm: We're all slowing down and feeling the stomach pains. Maria's cousin Tom spills merlot all over the table. Not a glass, mind you: whole. fucking. bottle. I stand up after 5 glasses of wine and bump into the nearby coffee table. Did I mention I'm meeting most of these people for the first time?

3:05 pm: I decide to lay off the wine, but I'm still thirsty. I grab a coke. I haven't gone to the bathroom yet.

3:41 pm: Ro tells some hilarious stories, one ending with, "Oh, and Travolta likes men. Trust me.". I think this is the first time I want to hang out with someone who used to have a crush on my dad.

3:58 pm: Hubbard calls. He's supposed to be in surgery right now, but he's on the phone with me. All I can understand is...

4:00 pm: Yeah menn, they joost gayve me the mornfeen. Iz gooooooood.

4:05 pm: Cheesecake, coffee, two glasses of water, and more wine. I'm worried that I don't have to pee.

5:11 pm: Ro: What did you give up for Lent?
Me: The word "fuck."
Ro: Woah fuck! That's gotta be fucking hard.
Me: It fucking was.
Ro: I couldn't fucking give it up.
Me: Fucking straight.
Ro: Fuck.

5:28 pm: My uncle is sitting in a recliner, rubbing his belly, complaining, "My God, I'm fat." Everyone in the room thinks, "You're just realizing this now?." Maria's cousin Lauren is the only one who actually says it.

5:45 pm: My aunt is screaming various stories about everyone in the room: how Andrea followed a tow truck an hour out of town because the driver looked like this guy she knew, how Lauren received a 600 dollar bar tab while in Jamaica, how Maria had her credit card bills sent to her home address hoping her parents would just pay them off. Each story is insanely loud, and it becomes a contest of who can speak the loudest. I'm now drinking wine for the hell of it. Maria is still on the same page.

6:26 pm: Text message from my friend Rockhard: bukkake is where the heart is! It's at this point that I rememember that it's Easter, and I wonder if this is what Jesus rose for.

6:43 pm: Maria passes out in a chair. I still don't have to pee.

7:05 pm: My cousin Christina arrives from a trip to Florida. Her cell phone got ruined at Islands of Adventure because she left it on her during a water ride. Then she forgot it in the hotel room. For some reason everyone keeps giving her shit about it. I have another glass.

8:22 pm: I enjoy a 1 minute, 32 second pee.

8:47 pm: Hubbard is out of surgery. His appendix had ruptured a year ago. They remove a toxic mass the size of a grapefruit from his abdomen. They've been telling him for a year he was probably lactose intolerant.

9:07 pm: Maria's boyfriend and friend Joe come over. Joe does everything dramatically and with a lisp. I think he may be gay. Then he sees Eva Longoria on the screen and goes, "God she is so fucking hot!" I think he may be straight.

9:45 pm: Maria, boyfriend, Joe, and I are in our seats to see The Ring II.

9:47 pm: I realize how annoying high school girls are when 3 sit in front of us. I also realize I'm getting older.

11:45 pm: It would have probably helped if I had seen The Ring. It also would have probably helped if I didn't have a case of wine in my stomach and brain.

11:59 pm: My uncle is on the couch, snoring loud enough to tear off the wallpaper. His finger is slightly up his nose. I decide Easter is over.