Devolution

My hand continues to shake with vibrato after I hang up, maybe even more intensely than during the conversation itself. Over my head lingers a fear that I didn't just end a call, but rather a friendship I've come to realize I've grown more and more dependent on as of late. I am as confused as I've undoubtedly left her tonight. The past 48 hours have been absolutely surreal, staring into space, feeling numb-yet-tense, wanting everything to go into reverse and immediately fast forward simultaneously.

They tell me that the one you adore should be your best friend, but a feeling that is supposed to be bliss has turned into unresolved, unexplainable agony, partly because I've messed up the order of the adoration-best friend development. She and I will never be the same, this I know. Regardless of whether the change will be for better or worse, I had no choice. Maintaining the present status of our friendship would have been a mirage on my part, and this turmoil is a necessary encounter on my way to my only shot at genuine happiness. Who will be part of that happiness is yet to be determined.

I keep telling myself that the not-knowing, the to-be-determined, stuck-in-the-middle pain is the worst. It gets better. It has to get better. That's why I'm doing this, but it doesn't change the fact that I miss her heart and genuineness already.



She sends me a message to let me know she's arrived home safely. I'm happy to receive the message. I don't demand that she check in with me like this on a daily basis; it's just something we’ve gradually grown accustomed to doing. This casual conversation is part of my typical night, as this good friend of mine is always the one who wishes me goodnight as I end my day. If we don't converse at any point during a day, it feels as though we have lots of catching up to do the next day.

I'm willing to talk with her about anything, even the uncomfortable situations I swore couldn't be a part of our talks. I felt that I had to uplift the restrictions out of respect of the friendship. She shows a genuine investment in my life. The feeling is mutual. We value the same things not just in life, but in each other. Hers has really become one of the best, and most surprising, friendships I've ever had.

I'm still excitable over my fun-filled weekend, so I'm a little worked up with energy tonight. I'm even more sarcastic than usual, making her laugh and gasp left and right from my wisecracks. Somehow-- the reason escapes me-- the conversation gets a little risque. Through the course of this change of pace, she lets out a secret, though her withholding of this information seems partly premeditated, partly incidental.

Even though she considers the situation rather minor, this is pretty big news I'm hearing, the news of her and this boy, from someone whom I'd normally assume I know every hour about. But what is going on here? Wait... what?

What is this?

I can't see straight because of the dizziness. The skin on my face tingles. I may have to vomit later. My eyes guard themselves by hiding in my protective hands. On the outside, I am stone, while inside my mind is scrambling at an overwhelming speed. My body is now my preoccupation. What's happened? Why do I feel like this? Why have I suddenly succumbed to feelings of horror, dread, and sorrow?

Oh shit. I know what this means.



I’m finishing the cookies she made me. A few days ago, a small brown package awaited me at my doorstep. She told me she'd make me any kind of cookies I want, and apparently she backs up her word. In my mouth now is sugary, peanut buttery wonderment. This is apparently her way of thanking me for being a good friend, and my stuffed face is in no position to argue at this point.

She tells me that she likes to send little thoughts of hello and care to her friends. No wonder she is liked by so many people; she lets the people that matter in her life know that they do. Today I see a simple online message from her that praises my awesomeness and how awesome it is to be someone as awesome as myself. The note makes me laugh.

This is exactly what I needed today. Things just fell apart with the woman I've been seeing. She doesn't know about this news yet; it's just good timing that she wanted to send me a surprise just as I need a little solace. I know I'll be ok, but I certainly feel better after this gesture.

She calls me after she hears the news, offering to be an open ear and to instill any optimism in me should I need it. This is quite a surprise. We don't really talk live voice-to-voice all that often, both of us being very schedule-heavy people, though we keep pretty steady contact through e-mail and AIM. I let her know that I accept what has happened between me and the woman, but it's good to know there's one more person I can depend on should I need to vent over the next few days. I wish I could return the favor regarding her pain, but it would be a sticky situation consoling the girl who was once dating my buddy.

Her words are comforting. She gets me. We've always seen eye-to-eye on the important things in life. I'm glad someone understands and appreciates where I'm coming from.

She's a good friend. I think I'll keep her around.



I tell her of our plans to fly down for the annual festivities, but we've yet to secure any accommodations. She solves one dilemma by offering to pick us up from the airport. That will work. She knows my buddy from a former life in a manner far more intimate than she's ever known me, but she gives me her phone number in case I need to call when I arrive.

She opens the trunk and steps out of the car to greet us. I give her a novel, but still appropriate, hug as my hello, and we are on our way. My goal here is to get drunk around some good people. I don't see a problem in my company accommodating.

She and I chat periodically between sips of beer. We're joking about tube tops and horrible 80s music. Sometimes when you don't know someone on a terribly deep level, you rely on some of the inside jokes you share to inject adrenaline into the conversation. Regardless of whether we're the closest of friends, we're capable of having a good time together. This is fun.

I miss it down here. She tells me I should come back. Beyond that, she entices me with some plans I'd love to be a part of. I may very well come down and meet up with her for that. There's no mention of my buddy being a part of that proposed trip, as more time apart has made things there slightly awkward. I suppose I'm no longer a third wheel. I guess she and I are no longer just secondhand acquaintances. It's always cool to figure out you have a new friend.



She looks pretty much as I remember, but this could just be guesswork on my part. As good as I am with remembering details, I'm bad at remembering faces, and hers only elicits a vague, minor click in my head. Either way, she's nice enough as far as I remember. I wasn’t sure if she was still on good terms with my buddy, the one she was dating until timing and distance interfered, but apparently things are okay between them. This should be good night.

My buds and I are tossing Blue Moon and obscure 80s band references at an alarming rate. This entertains her to no end, as she leans to the side in laughter more than once. She even takes part in a joke now and then. She's a good sport and carefree enough to have a good time with us.

I sit on the porch feeling slightly dehydrated the next morning. The sliding glass door is being pulled open. She sits in the opposite chair, and we stir up a conversation. I tell her about my current studies, my passion for boxing, the new woman in my life, all the standard stuff. She fills me in on her current studies, her home life, her love of the water and fresh fish, and everything else that gives me a better perspective of what she's all about.

Beyond the story, I see a smart, inspired, accomplished young woman who doesn't take herself too seriously. She seems pretty cool. I'd like to keep in touch and see how things turn out for her. The feeling is mutual. We exchange e-mail addresses.



He nudges my shoulder and points in the distance toward this girl about 50 yards away. This is interrupting my double-fisting of cheap beer, but since he's sort of seeing this girl, we might as well do the courteous thing and meet up as we wait for the game to start. I'm sure she'll turn out to be a nice person.

She's pretty cute: nice tan, athletic-toned, good head of long, brown, wavy hair. When my buddy introduces me to her, I can see a good smile behind her timidity. I'm fine with her being somewhat quiet. That's my nature as well when I meet someone new.

I try to avoid feeling like a third wheel as we chat in our self-made triangle, but she's fine with me being here. I'm happy to be back in Florida, and I can tell she's happy to meet a new person, even if we don't have much to go on regarding conversation. Before you know it, it's time for me to leave and find my seat for the game.

Later she gives us a ride to the airport when our trip reaches its close. I tell her it was nice to meet her, thank her for the ride, and leave to check in for my flight. I tell my buddy that, though I didn't really get to know her that well, she seems like a good enough girl. Overall, this was a pleasant, but admittedly insignificant, encounter. I doubt I'll ever see her again.