Bryan Starebucks: I was taken aback by his intense "Hello, Clarice" eye contact when he spoke to me. By the time he insisted I stop by his Starbucks and say hi, I suspected I was getting hit on. A few minutes later a forty-year-old woman he apparently knew began straddling him in that way a stripper does to the nicely dressed innocent-looking guy 10 minutes before she gives her "I'm new here and just trying to save money for college" speech. Still, I think I rejected him. And no, I'm not the nicely dressed innocent-looking guy.
Door Girl: Earlier this semester, I was walking out of Bio through a group of people waiting to enter their classroom, when my eyes caught a girl who almost caused me to shout "Holy shit!" in reflex. The next week she stood outside her classroom door 20 minutes early, and I did not hear anything my professor said the last 20 minutes of class. I'd tell her how hot she is, but I think (1) somehow she already knows this and (2) it would come out in a similar fashion to Jim Carrey's "I wanna squeeze em!" line in Liar Liar.
Frank: Apparently he's been around the world because he begins every thought with a "You know (deep breath), this reminds me of that time with my old soccer buddies in Madagascar" scenario. This always leads to an insanely philosophical question which he answers himself, only his answer is always "I don't know." I can mimic his low soothing timbre perfectly, but this is probably because I heard his voice years ago when it belonged to my old history teacher Mr. Ives. God bless Mr. Ives, even though it's been 5.5 years since his "write this and that for your future self and I'll mail it back to you in 5 years" assignment. Come on, Mr. Ives! I know you retired, but you have the only sheet of paper that'll answer questions like, "If Ali McDaniel had to sum you up in one sentence, what would she say?"
Harrisburg Andrea: Her name's not Andrea, but she looks like this amazingly hot girl my friend dated back at UF. Take the original Andrea, stretch her about 5 inches, mix some Catholicism into the sorority look, and attach a boyfriend of 10 years, and you get the Harrisburg version. I'd let either version hold my hand. On a side note, dating the same guy 10 years, since you were 15, and not even an engagement ring? Hell, not even one of those bullshit promise rings? Wait, is there an age limit on wearing a promise ring? I'd guess if you can legally drink a beer, you've outgrown the promise ring thing. Either way, for the love of God, get a ring on that finger so at least I can confirm I have no shot.
Marc: We were walking through the halls of a local high school and saw that one of the classrooms belonged to a man named Mr. Riddles. For the next hour we debated who this Mr. Riddles could be and basically decided he was actually the ghost of a bitter old white man who mysteriously disappeared after a fight with one of his students and was now wandering the halls terrorizing the school with a maniacal laughter. We raised an eyebrow after finding out that Mr. Riddles was on sabbatical for the semester due to an "undisclosed illness," but then our theory went out the window when we realized we had both confused Mr. Riddles with Dr. Giggles.
Rebekah The Pearl Girl: I still can't figure out if her look is Sexy School Teacher or Wealthy Dowager. Seriously, what girl in her mid-twenties is always rocking the white pearls around her neck? My buddy eventually discovered that if you make eye contact and smile at her, she'll give you the traumatized gaze of a recently booted American Idol contestant for the remainder of your time in the same room. I now play this game every time I see her.
The Guy Who Picks Out the Music at Guido McNeal's: I don't know who you are, but I want to give you an awkward high-five. Coldplay, Death Cab for Cutie, The Shins?!? Thank you so much on behalf of myself and any Rivers Cuomo lookalike who happens to stumble upon your establishment. Can I request some Mars Volta next month?
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