So I figured 5:00 on a Saturday afternoon would be perfect for a nap for a guy who can’t seem to get a decent night sleep (Whether in the heat trap of a bedroom with the mattress that’s too short, or on the rock-solid couch with the “no occupancy” sign forbidding arms to fit, I can’t get an effin full night of sleep!). For a soundtrack to prelude my sleep, I put in the home video I spontaneously picked up while leaving my house last weekend.

Well, I couldn’t sleep because I was too busy laughing, crying, and shrugging!

The label of the video reads, “Perillo Cinema.” I taped these in the summer of 1995, back in the days when you actually stuck the videocassette in the camcorder. I had just turned thirteen. Looking back makes me see why I wasn’t the coolest guy in the seventh grade. With that Don King afro, high-pitched girly voice, and chunky body that had the ghastly potential to develop man boobs, I can’t see how I got girls back then. Oh wait…

I loved videotaping things. Random shots during the day, my pets sleeping, several commercials, and two Anthony-directed movies fill the two hours of footage. How did I think these movies were actually good when I concocted them? I never planned the theme of the movies. Instead, I pressed record, ran in front of the camera, and just starting “acting” and whatever scenario popped in my head became the them for my movie. If Dr. Radiaki wanted me to return his jewels to his fortress by midnight, then why did I have to fight and kill all his guards on my arrival? Why did I listen to my dad when he interfered as “the voice of God” and recommend I give myself an enema to release the jewels? How could Camille Columbus defeat and assassinate the almighty, undefeated Chief Powaton with one whack to the leg?

I just shook my head and rolled my eyes at all my pathetic improves, particularly my screw-up of words. When removing the jewels from my poop, I remark, “Oh, let me get it out of the dog doodoo,” the plastic prop I was using. It seemed every time I was supposed to say “him,” I said “her” and vice-versa. My crowning moment had to be during an interview session with my cat Tammy. While reporting, “We have an inside scoop,” I picked my nose.

Only three other people are permitted to watch these hilariously horrifying spectacle, and they all share my last name. I suppose one day I’ll let my girlfriend see the truth of my awkward adolescence, but only after she is already deeply in love with me. That way, even after seeing my acting and directing from 1995, she’ll be stuck. After all, she’ll have promised she’d stay with me through the good, the bad, and the ugly.

And, boy, is this ugly!

Man, I love it! Maybe I’ll return to my career of film. Umm, no.