Characters from My Four Years at the University of Florida

Jerk, the best bud: every epiphany I had was influenced in some way by him
Furio, the spikey-haired roommate: conversations were 45% Simpsons quotes, 100% hilarious
Aaron, the guy with a mustache: had more nicknames than anyone, starting with Punkface
Rob, the creepy neighbor: "Anal" was his middle name
Phil, the imported beer guy: gave me my first imported beer
Big Dan, the German guy who's always in his underwear: that about sums it up
Dave, the Parrothead RA: creator of the luscious Wall of Hot
Spamburger, RA Dave's hot sex partner: discovered the Aaron Toe Penis, and I'll leave it at that
Adam H., the never-home neighbor: lead guitarist for East 3's band effort, Move the Capo
Adam B., the trash can urinator: and future graduation speaker and Cambridge acceptee
Travis, the drunken, bare-assed genius: and future school presidential candidate
Asdo, the UF mascot: couldn't walk 10 steps without being recognized
The Baa Guys, the Bash Brothers of East 3: catchphrases included "Baa!", "Wieeeeerd!", and "Scheisse!"
Brandon, Mr. Florida Football: cussed out a future NBA player until he got his attention
Ronald, the football player turned actor: my drug-partner-in-crime in my one and only play
Ed, the actor with the worst idea ever: dude seriously wanted to start a boy band with me and Ronald
Jemma, my freshmen racquetball partner: cool chick, simple as that
Joy, the pessimistic outsider: probably the biggest case of "name irony" on the planet
Shannon, the bubbly big sister: an incredibly well-rounded person without a flaw
Josser, the All-American redhead: played my coach in the cult classic short "Big Test"
Jason K., the quiet musician: bonded over many a Big Red while asking improper yes-or-no questions
Chasity, deliverer of the Big Reds: will always be my favorite waitress
Jamey, the dessert-making pirate: an outrageous exterior with a wonderfully deep interior
Nathan, the you'll-find-me-at-night-on-the-phone-with-my-woman guy: saw all the Kareem Abdul-Jabbar movies with him
Paulercrombie, straight out of the Abercrombie catalog: gave me my first cigar
Chadwick: the annoying neighbor that won't go away: caused injury with his misuse of the High Five
Anne, the I'm-always-in-your-room-because-your-roomy-is-the-man-of-my-dreams girl: oh sweet Anne, you and Furio deserve each other
Jen and Mary, the East 3 Floor Whores: I served as their East 3 Pimp in name only
Ronnie, the I-don't-give-a-shit RA: couldn't afford bedsheets but wore $170 shirts
Hot Italian Girl, the hot Italian girl in all my criminology classes: found out later she wasn't Italian
Annika, the J-Lo accented bombshell: first girl I fell asleep with
Nanni, the funniest man on Earth: had his dreams of eating pancakes at Waffle House shattered by uncompromising Waffle House nazis
Jerel, the I-get-slammed-for-my-choices-in-females guy: I never saw any of them, so I'll leave the jokes to Nanni
Coke Fiend, the girl with a secret: I hope she doesn't end up like Yasmine
J, the big sexy: gave me the nickname "Cuddles" on Valentine's Day (I wish I were lying about that)
M. Laird, the enigmatic roommate: drank alone in his room, possibly with the lights off and the Morrissey on
Dave, the man with a mullet: a diet of KFC, Arby's, and Easy Mac
Katie, the roommate's-cousin's-girlfriend-turned-roommate's girlfriend: overcame her boyfriend's lack of showering
Will, the deep conversation guy: openly requested to "pick your brain" upon first meeting
Lourdes, the Cuban girl next door: my wine-and-cheese arm candy
The Messiah, Jerk's roommate: could run 12 miles and save 2 lives before 9 am
The Triplets, siblings of The Messiah's girlfriend: nice all-around good people. Also allows me to say I know triplets, which is always cool.
The Kooter, skiing buddy: the best nickname I've ever bestowed upon someone
Jessica, the if-only-her-boyfriend-weren't-around-on-Spring-Break girl: I still say I had a chance
Anna, the 26-year-old cutie: got me partway to my dream
Serbia, the El-Fuego-of-all-that-is-El-Fuego girl: taught me that a chain smoker can still smell like, aw man, I'm gonna need a sec...
Jason R., the 5-foot-nothing Jew: wiseass flew across the ocean when he discovered a no-charge-for-tickets glitch on Iceland Air Dot Com
Chad, my metrosexual sidekick: helped me bail on our buddies entertaining ugly girls in the Vegas suite
The Super Gators, aka The Landings Crew, throwers of legendary parties: most likely to require a liver transplant

Top 3 Absurdities From the Low Carb Craze

1. Low Carb Bacardi. Can anyone honestly say they were deterred from having one more shot of rum because of they had passed their carbohydrate count for the night? Anyone who considers choosing a low-carb alcohol as health-conscious should be shot in the forehead with a BB gun.
2. Low Carb Pizza. Who knew the Freshman 15 wasn't caused by the grease, cheeses, or multiple shredded meats atop those 3-in-the-A-M pizzas? It was the dough, the foundation of our round mound of fats, that gave us love handles!
3. Low Carb Cat Food. I was at a Shins concert when the opening band's lead singer informed us that this product was circulating in Los Angeles. The only reason this isn't number one is I just can't comprehend anyone being fucking stupid enough to buy this.

Thought Process While Lying in a Deck Chair

Maybe I should eat out later today...
But I want to eat healthy...
So maybe Bonefish Grill, the one place I haven't been to on Archer yet...
It would be too expensive...
Maybe I'll go one day for lunch...
Like when Mason and I go to Ballyhoo...
Last time was pretty good, the raw oysters...
He picked up the bill because I paid last time...
Otherwise, I would have had to deduct those meals from the rent I owe him for July...
Wait, it's already July, and I need to pay him...
Ok, it'll be cheaper this time because he owes me 50 bucks from when Dave gave him my 50 accidentally...
But that utility bill was unbelievable...
$145!...
I could charge him and Jamey $47 or $48 apiece...
Why should I pay the extra dollar?...
That wouldn't be fair...
Like that time Dave came up and said we shouldn't pay for the digital cable for the summer...
But we still have it...
I love digital cable...
I'm trying to imagine surfing the channels in the living room without the cable info from the cable box...
I might have to do that in my apartment in Harrisburg...
Or I could call and tell them I need at least HBO and Showtime for boxing...
Well, not Showtime. I may miss some fights, but oh well...
That apartment could look empty with only the things I have now...
The 20" TV standing on a similar size end table...
White walls, a green couch, and lots of floor space...
I could put my little TV/VCR combo in my bedroom...
I wonder if someone's put a cable outlet in my bedroom...
Either way, Mandy said I could just do it myself if they hadn't...
I'll ask them if I can paint in my apartment...
That could kill some time at the beginning...
Maybe I'll lay the UF throw rug on the floor in my bedroom...
It never fit in the dorm room, so it just collected dust under my bed...
But we had that football field mat by my bed...
That thing always lifted and moved around whenever you hit it...
I didn't bring it back sophomore year...
Now it sits by my waterbed back home...
Hey, that picture I took with the self-timer of me posing on the waterbed senior year of high school...
Wow, how did I get to thinking of that picture?...
I'll do that retrace-how-you-thought-of-that thing Crystal and I used to do when we talked about obscure topics...
Thinking about the throw rug in the bedroom of my new apartment...
Empty family room...
Digital cable...
The bills...
Paying the check at Ballyhoo...
Eating at Bonefish Grill...
Eating today...
Woah, that's freaky...
Maybe that would make an interesting blog entry...
It's something I'm sure people can relate to, following a tangent having no idea how you got where you got, but you got there...
Yeah, I'll type it when I return to the apartment...
But I may forget it by then...
I've been in the sun long enough...
I'll go ahead and do it now...

Aisle Love

I had ventured into Publix just to pick up a steak for tomorrow's 4th of July barbeque, but it appeared as though I had committed some market faux paux by not sporting a date on my hip.